Looming Fate

The room is so bright,
I cannot see a thing
Blinded, I slowly walk
fearful of falling unto a hole or
some other unpredictable torture

Seeing and knowing nothing of whats ahead
I keep walking, nervous & scared
Trying to remember the songs of god
that were taught to me so long ago,
I say a prayer but the words are a distant memory
I hear the tune of the bible song,
but the lyrics are forever gone.
I pray he hasnt forgotten me
I want to be something more than this
I want to be free.
To make a difference before my untimely end arrives

The end I fear is near
my end
I can feel it deep within my soul
that death will come sooner than expected.

I am fearful not of dying but of what will be left behind
Will I be forgotten, like so many past relatives
Should I leave behind notes
on how to handle my departure?
The occasions should be truly enjoyable
I just hope that when I go,
I'll able to come back and visit.

Wanting what we cant have

Has there ever been a moment in time, in which there was someone in your life that you wanted to be with but considering the circumstances around them it would never work? I'm in such a situation, and the way he once put it  -  I'm good and he's evil, we can unite occasionally but never for long periods of time.

I always knew that I couldn't date him, he doesn't have a career, smokes and does so many drugs I'm amazed that he stills standing. Yet despite all of that, I've always wondered. Wondered if things could ever exist, the only thing that truly ever held me back from ever having such a relationship was the drugs. I just cant handle that.

Last night, my belief of what our relationship was, became apparent - just two best friends. I'm the relationship type, hes not.  This is just another phase in our relationship that we'll get thru, I'll find someone who wants to coddle me and he'll find another Spanish chick and the two of us will move on - but never the less  always remain best friends.

I made the move last night. Everything I'm feeling is all about me. I just feel so vulnerable and open, and exposed. I feel like everything I had ever felt for this kid is so apparent but yet he doesn't see it.  He doesn't understand that I've always felt something for him. The tension that others saw between us was real and did exist; and while I have no idea really what I felt for him, I knew it were something.  He doesn't understand that the periods of time, where I would cut away, not hang out or call/text was because things would build up and become too much for me to handle and thru all of my insecurities and fears I would walk away and hope that he wouldn't know. Days when I felt so low and depressed and wanted to die, I would go to him. He has this way and making me appreciate what I have and making me feel loved and protected. I trust him more with my life and feel safer with him than I ever did with my ex, whom I lived and dated for 6 years.

Last night I didn't expect anything, I didnt go into thinking or hoping for anything. But knowing that this means nothing hurts, because it meant so much to me. Im so scared to think that maybe I'll lose him. We dont hang in the same social circles, we dont work in the same town, we dont even partake in the same recreational activities.  All we have is the past, and this ...well i guess a love for each other, that I hope and pray doesnt disappear.