Invisible

Have you ever felt invisible? Move around a room and not even seen? Acknowledged for only the things that you do wrong, and not for anything done right?

I live like that every day.

Drowning

I've had a lot of time to myself the last few days, giving me ample time to think. I'm not happy. At least not in NY. As I sat watching the waves, I feel like I'm sleep walking, doing whats expected. I feel like I'm wasting my life and I don't know how to fix it. I'm almost a big number age and what can I say for myself? I feel like I haven't accomplished anything, and yet I don't know what I should accomplish. I keep submerging myself in simple pleasures but nothing long lasting.  I want to combine the my two passions the ocean/nature and photography/videography.

I'm not depressed, more disappointed and scared. I need to stop being scared. I need to stop worrying about people and their bullshit. However in this path that I'm in, I'm sleep walking/drowning. Why is it that I feel guilty for feeling this way?? Why should I care what you think? But i do and I just continue on this path of numbness and nothingness, and in the end, really, its all I know. To deviate away from that scares the shit out of me but I know that if I can make this work, I would be so happy. But how much do I risk to do that? Do I put it all up and hope that I have a ground to walk on? or a shoulder to lean on?  Sometimes a part of me wants to act rash, just collect my stuff and Baxter (of course) and go and figure out the money thing later. Problem is I don't have enough money to last me a week, never mind build a new life.

Every time I take a step forward I feel like I take 20 back/