I miss you.

I think I lust you

I dont want to share you

and all of that freaks me out

Not all who wander are lost

I have no connection with her.  We sat in the car on the way to the store in complete silence. had it been my sister or brother, they would be in full conversation. She put on the radio for the ride back.

I have nothing to say to her. Not because I'm angry or anything but I have nothing to share. I don't talk about my personal life, my feelings or anything really for that matter. I keep to myself for the most part.  As it is she thinks I'm lost and after that whole situation with the woman in Barnes and Noble, shoving self help and religious books on "How to be saved", I know its true.  She and my sister had a whole conversation about how maybe thats what I need. Little did they know I was in the next aisle and could hear the whole thing.

She wouldnt bring that up though. It would be just another argument that would eventually lead to her telling me I need to see a therapist to work on a resolution to why I hate my step father. Been there, done that and the therapist agreed with me. Plus I dont hate him. I feel nothing for him - dont love him and dont hate him, hes just there and can annoy me. like dust its always just there and a pain in the ass. After the shit I went thru with him, I appreciate the fact that I was given the basics for survival (not that he had much of a choice and when I was old enough that ended) but at the end of the day, after the hell hes given me, I owe him nothing.

My grandmother is another one I feel nothing for. I just did my duty as I would hope that a child would do for me when Im old, however I hope they actually love me. However after her little tantrum for not being able to return her calls, I'm done with her. I dont need that shit. I asked my mom to call her to make sure all was ok, for I couldnt call and she leaves me a voicemail flipping out. I'm done. My mom thinks her time is coming and that I should make my peace with her. I have nothing to say, for in the end, I just dont care. I feel nothing for her. If I were to cry at her funeral, it be more of a show to satisfy everyone elses expectations of me.

My step fathers mother, was the only person I truly considered to be my grandmother. I loved her immensely. She accepted me and made me a part of a family that I had no relation to. I loved every min with her. She died when my sister was younger. Only to find out years later, from my sister no less, that my mom had told her that she was my grandmothers favorite. For awhile after her passing, I still felt connected to her. I would talk to her thru prayer and such and sometimes feel like she was guiding me and answering questions. However after learning that, its like the light switch turned off. I disconnected from her completely.

Here I am back at the house. Other than simple conversation, "like do you mind if I turn the radio on?", nothing has been said. Its weird being left alone with a parent. Its like we both have no idea what to do with each other. Given the option I would take my mother over my father, but even still I feel like its better to just leave the house. Had I my car, I would take my dog and just drive around. I do love my mom.
Not the way I love my dog. If my dog were to die (which I know eventually he will but I cant think about it) my world would seriously shatter. I think I'll be devastated.

I wont say I'm lost. I dont believe that I am, but I do feel numb. I don't feel the remorse or connection to items or events that most others do. Like the shooting in Colorado, yes its a tragedy and the killer should be locked away. Im not angry, Im not sad.

 My sister & mother thought that the movie opening should have been postponed to a later date and I argued why? The movie didn't recommend the shooting, nor could the creators have predicted such an event to happen. While this event is tragic to Colorado, it did not happen in any other part of the country, therefore no reason to push off the opening date. I'm sorry that it happened, but it didn't happen here and it didn't involve any one in my life. Not to sound selfish but why interrupt my life for something that has no impact on me.

Same goes for objects that people have sentimental value for, I have a hard time understanding it. I have photos that I keep, but I dont understand the emotion for items given to people. I have plenty of gifts that I have kept from people, but more for social standard reasons, like if they ask about it, I can pull it out and make some general statement about it. I feel like objects are replaceable. If its something I liked and I lost it, I would definitely be annoyed, but I would just get a new one.

I feel numb to it all, no emotion. I sometimes think I'm missing something humanly important that everyone else has. I have a hard time connecting to people, or even making small talk. If I have nothing to say, or even think that the person isn't interested, I wont speak. I just sit there, which if I'm with someone that likes to talk its great, but to start the conversation. I'm terrible. Many people think I'm cold, I'm not, I just don't know what to talk about.

I love my friends and the ones that have put up with me throughout the years, I believe understand me well enough to know, its nothing personal when I'm detached.

I'm not lost, if she watched carefully she would see this.

Going Numb

I did what I do best after someone hurts me, I shut down.

What started as a somewhat decent, slightly painful but fun day, ended terribly.  I lost my best friend, partially because he seriously hurt my feelings while drunk the other night, but also partially because he got too close. Or perhaps I got to close to him.  Since Tuesday night, my wall has been up and my mind shut down. I didn't want to lose him, I never intended to hand him back his house key. It just happened, like blinking, an automatic response. There's no other place I would rather be right now than sitting on his futon watching Dexter and falling asleep. God only knows that I sleep best at his house. I really do! The other night I took over the futon and passed out, when I woke I felt amazing. That scares me, its too close. Any closer and I'm leaving myself in a very vulnerable spot. Giving him back his keys definitely hurt him, hurts me too.  Thank you Brian for screwing with my emotions that I cannot allow myself to get close to anyone.


on top of that I broke my tooth

Productive end of day

Today's a weird day, I'm strangely Super focused and yet all over at the same time, I feel like I should write down whatever comes to mind, in hopes to possibly use it for a script or something in the future...however the thoughts that come to mind aren't always Kosher (no offense to anyone Jewish) and I feel like people will misinterpret what I write. In the end it doesnt really matter what anyone thinks, as long as the collected thoughts can be turned into something wonderful... Hmm Maybe I will.. as things come to mind whether they pertain to me or not, Ill just jot them all down here....

aaaannnnddddd GO:

The house phone rings and Baxter gets up and walks over to it as if hes going to answer it...its alright buddy, you lay back down, I'll get it this time...
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I'm really pissed that the only thing I wanted to do all summer, I am now not doing. Ive been looking forward to going Shark Diving for months, well years but than I found out it was possible to do in Montauk. That was in March. So you can understand the build up of excitement for me. I'm angry. I dont ask for much and rarely do I get to go on a spectacular vacation...Ive never once been out of the country except to Canada but for some reason in my own mind, that doesnt count. I am however visiting my soul sister in Florida, that'll be nice. Not the same but nice.