Is this goodbye?

"No you don't", I said to my Toshiba laptop as I sat watching the conversation unfold in front of me. My dad turned around, he was at the stove, "Excuse me?". "Sorry I'm having a conversation on Facebook."
                 
                                          "because I love you, asshole"

I just stared at it, not sure if I should believe it, not sure if I should get angrier at him, not sure if I felt the same. When you're pissed off at someone, and they tell you that, having never said it before, do you automatically forgive or do you stay angry? I just stared at it and read it over, each time I did I had more questions, Since when? are you sure you love me? I had no idea you were even attracted to me, and you love me?

I didn't respond fast enough and when I finally did respond the subject had already changed. I was scared. I could tell my dog all day every day that I love him, and it would be as easy as pie. I tell my friends all the time that I love them, even my straight guy friends. For some reason, I dunno why, this was different. I have my walls too, I need to protect myself like every other person. I froze up, perhaps its because he's the first person to call me out on my bullshit. Or perhaps its because no matter how many times I've tried to push him away and give him back his key, that key would be back on my chain the very next day.

Get him on a subject he's passionate about, music, history, french cuisine,SPORTS and he can talk for hours. I could easily listen to him talk too. The best is often he doesn't think I'm listening, so when I ask him a question, his face lights up. Its cute. I'm comfortable around him to know that if I don't understand something, I can ask him and he'll explain it without making me feel like a total idiot.

We spend almost every day together and each time we do I fall asleep at his place. I don't intend too, I just do and sleep good! I've told him time and again to not let me, but he always does. It's actually terrible, I can't sleep in my own bed as well as I can in his.

A day later I confronted him about the whole "L" word, asking him if he meant what he said. Well his answer went like this: "Yes, but I feel bad about using it as a get out of jail free card. I've actually been thinking about it    for a while, but it's difficult for me to open up. I love you, but not as a bf/gf."

Well after having analyzed the first statement for two days, I once again was at a lack of words. Its like someone breaking up with you but saying that ever week we can still do our Sunday breakfast ritual. It was an even bigger shock (to me at least) when I said no. To not contact me, that while I do love him, I can't be around him anymore.

I know we fight but had we never hooked up (yea sorry never mentioned that part), we would never have been as close as we are now. I spent yesterday crying. Crying at this whole thing and crying at my response. But I cant just be a friend and a cuddle buddy too. It doesn't work that way. What sucks more, I already miss him. However if we are to go back to how things were, before hooking up, that means we only see each other once in a blue moon. Maybe we'll talk throughout the year, but more often than not we didn't. I'd get a random call at 2 am about him carrying a street sign or him wanting to know if I were around to give him a ride. I'll Facebook him something about the fair and how it reminds me of him and we'll both be going our own separate ways. So if that's what he really wants than this is possibly goodbye.