Heels with spikes

I don't understand heels with spikes that jut out around the shoe. Whats the purpose of that? Am I suppose to wear them as a means of protection. Like "No worries gals, I don't need mace I have my spiked heels on." I have a better chance of chopping up my own leg.

Is this goodbye?

"No you don't", I said to my Toshiba laptop as I sat watching the conversation unfold in front of me. My dad turned around, he was at the stove, "Excuse me?". "Sorry I'm having a conversation on Facebook."
                 
                                          "because I love you, asshole"

I just stared at it, not sure if I should believe it, not sure if I should get angrier at him, not sure if I felt the same. When you're pissed off at someone, and they tell you that, having never said it before, do you automatically forgive or do you stay angry? I just stared at it and read it over, each time I did I had more questions, Since when? are you sure you love me? I had no idea you were even attracted to me, and you love me?

I didn't respond fast enough and when I finally did respond the subject had already changed. I was scared. I could tell my dog all day every day that I love him, and it would be as easy as pie. I tell my friends all the time that I love them, even my straight guy friends. For some reason, I dunno why, this was different. I have my walls too, I need to protect myself like every other person. I froze up, perhaps its because he's the first person to call me out on my bullshit. Or perhaps its because no matter how many times I've tried to push him away and give him back his key, that key would be back on my chain the very next day.

Get him on a subject he's passionate about, music, history, french cuisine,SPORTS and he can talk for hours. I could easily listen to him talk too. The best is often he doesn't think I'm listening, so when I ask him a question, his face lights up. Its cute. I'm comfortable around him to know that if I don't understand something, I can ask him and he'll explain it without making me feel like a total idiot.

We spend almost every day together and each time we do I fall asleep at his place. I don't intend too, I just do and sleep good! I've told him time and again to not let me, but he always does. It's actually terrible, I can't sleep in my own bed as well as I can in his.

A day later I confronted him about the whole "L" word, asking him if he meant what he said. Well his answer went like this: "Yes, but I feel bad about using it as a get out of jail free card. I've actually been thinking about it    for a while, but it's difficult for me to open up. I love you, but not as a bf/gf."

Well after having analyzed the first statement for two days, I once again was at a lack of words. Its like someone breaking up with you but saying that ever week we can still do our Sunday breakfast ritual. It was an even bigger shock (to me at least) when I said no. To not contact me, that while I do love him, I can't be around him anymore.

I know we fight but had we never hooked up (yea sorry never mentioned that part), we would never have been as close as we are now. I spent yesterday crying. Crying at this whole thing and crying at my response. But I cant just be a friend and a cuddle buddy too. It doesn't work that way. What sucks more, I already miss him. However if we are to go back to how things were, before hooking up, that means we only see each other once in a blue moon. Maybe we'll talk throughout the year, but more often than not we didn't. I'd get a random call at 2 am about him carrying a street sign or him wanting to know if I were around to give him a ride. I'll Facebook him something about the fair and how it reminds me of him and we'll both be going our own separate ways. So if that's what he really wants than this is possibly goodbye.

Invisible

Have you ever felt invisible? Move around a room and not even seen? Acknowledged for only the things that you do wrong, and not for anything done right?

I live like that every day.

Drowning

I've had a lot of time to myself the last few days, giving me ample time to think. I'm not happy. At least not in NY. As I sat watching the waves, I feel like I'm sleep walking, doing whats expected. I feel like I'm wasting my life and I don't know how to fix it. I'm almost a big number age and what can I say for myself? I feel like I haven't accomplished anything, and yet I don't know what I should accomplish. I keep submerging myself in simple pleasures but nothing long lasting.  I want to combine the my two passions the ocean/nature and photography/videography.

I'm not depressed, more disappointed and scared. I need to stop being scared. I need to stop worrying about people and their bullshit. However in this path that I'm in, I'm sleep walking/drowning. Why is it that I feel guilty for feeling this way?? Why should I care what you think? But i do and I just continue on this path of numbness and nothingness, and in the end, really, its all I know. To deviate away from that scares the shit out of me but I know that if I can make this work, I would be so happy. But how much do I risk to do that? Do I put it all up and hope that I have a ground to walk on? or a shoulder to lean on?  Sometimes a part of me wants to act rash, just collect my stuff and Baxter (of course) and go and figure out the money thing later. Problem is I don't have enough money to last me a week, never mind build a new life.

Every time I take a step forward I feel like I take 20 back/

I miss you.

I think I lust you

I dont want to share you

and all of that freaks me out

Not all who wander are lost

I have no connection with her.  We sat in the car on the way to the store in complete silence. had it been my sister or brother, they would be in full conversation. She put on the radio for the ride back.

I have nothing to say to her. Not because I'm angry or anything but I have nothing to share. I don't talk about my personal life, my feelings or anything really for that matter. I keep to myself for the most part.  As it is she thinks I'm lost and after that whole situation with the woman in Barnes and Noble, shoving self help and religious books on "How to be saved", I know its true.  She and my sister had a whole conversation about how maybe thats what I need. Little did they know I was in the next aisle and could hear the whole thing.

She wouldnt bring that up though. It would be just another argument that would eventually lead to her telling me I need to see a therapist to work on a resolution to why I hate my step father. Been there, done that and the therapist agreed with me. Plus I dont hate him. I feel nothing for him - dont love him and dont hate him, hes just there and can annoy me. like dust its always just there and a pain in the ass. After the shit I went thru with him, I appreciate the fact that I was given the basics for survival (not that he had much of a choice and when I was old enough that ended) but at the end of the day, after the hell hes given me, I owe him nothing.

My grandmother is another one I feel nothing for. I just did my duty as I would hope that a child would do for me when Im old, however I hope they actually love me. However after her little tantrum for not being able to return her calls, I'm done with her. I dont need that shit. I asked my mom to call her to make sure all was ok, for I couldnt call and she leaves me a voicemail flipping out. I'm done. My mom thinks her time is coming and that I should make my peace with her. I have nothing to say, for in the end, I just dont care. I feel nothing for her. If I were to cry at her funeral, it be more of a show to satisfy everyone elses expectations of me.

My step fathers mother, was the only person I truly considered to be my grandmother. I loved her immensely. She accepted me and made me a part of a family that I had no relation to. I loved every min with her. She died when my sister was younger. Only to find out years later, from my sister no less, that my mom had told her that she was my grandmothers favorite. For awhile after her passing, I still felt connected to her. I would talk to her thru prayer and such and sometimes feel like she was guiding me and answering questions. However after learning that, its like the light switch turned off. I disconnected from her completely.

Here I am back at the house. Other than simple conversation, "like do you mind if I turn the radio on?", nothing has been said. Its weird being left alone with a parent. Its like we both have no idea what to do with each other. Given the option I would take my mother over my father, but even still I feel like its better to just leave the house. Had I my car, I would take my dog and just drive around. I do love my mom.
Not the way I love my dog. If my dog were to die (which I know eventually he will but I cant think about it) my world would seriously shatter. I think I'll be devastated.

I wont say I'm lost. I dont believe that I am, but I do feel numb. I don't feel the remorse or connection to items or events that most others do. Like the shooting in Colorado, yes its a tragedy and the killer should be locked away. Im not angry, Im not sad.

 My sister & mother thought that the movie opening should have been postponed to a later date and I argued why? The movie didn't recommend the shooting, nor could the creators have predicted such an event to happen. While this event is tragic to Colorado, it did not happen in any other part of the country, therefore no reason to push off the opening date. I'm sorry that it happened, but it didn't happen here and it didn't involve any one in my life. Not to sound selfish but why interrupt my life for something that has no impact on me.

Same goes for objects that people have sentimental value for, I have a hard time understanding it. I have photos that I keep, but I dont understand the emotion for items given to people. I have plenty of gifts that I have kept from people, but more for social standard reasons, like if they ask about it, I can pull it out and make some general statement about it. I feel like objects are replaceable. If its something I liked and I lost it, I would definitely be annoyed, but I would just get a new one.

I feel numb to it all, no emotion. I sometimes think I'm missing something humanly important that everyone else has. I have a hard time connecting to people, or even making small talk. If I have nothing to say, or even think that the person isn't interested, I wont speak. I just sit there, which if I'm with someone that likes to talk its great, but to start the conversation. I'm terrible. Many people think I'm cold, I'm not, I just don't know what to talk about.

I love my friends and the ones that have put up with me throughout the years, I believe understand me well enough to know, its nothing personal when I'm detached.

I'm not lost, if she watched carefully she would see this.

Going Numb

I did what I do best after someone hurts me, I shut down.

What started as a somewhat decent, slightly painful but fun day, ended terribly.  I lost my best friend, partially because he seriously hurt my feelings while drunk the other night, but also partially because he got too close. Or perhaps I got to close to him.  Since Tuesday night, my wall has been up and my mind shut down. I didn't want to lose him, I never intended to hand him back his house key. It just happened, like blinking, an automatic response. There's no other place I would rather be right now than sitting on his futon watching Dexter and falling asleep. God only knows that I sleep best at his house. I really do! The other night I took over the futon and passed out, when I woke I felt amazing. That scares me, its too close. Any closer and I'm leaving myself in a very vulnerable spot. Giving him back his keys definitely hurt him, hurts me too.  Thank you Brian for screwing with my emotions that I cannot allow myself to get close to anyone.


on top of that I broke my tooth

Productive end of day

Today's a weird day, I'm strangely Super focused and yet all over at the same time, I feel like I should write down whatever comes to mind, in hopes to possibly use it for a script or something in the future...however the thoughts that come to mind aren't always Kosher (no offense to anyone Jewish) and I feel like people will misinterpret what I write. In the end it doesnt really matter what anyone thinks, as long as the collected thoughts can be turned into something wonderful... Hmm Maybe I will.. as things come to mind whether they pertain to me or not, Ill just jot them all down here....

aaaannnnddddd GO:

The house phone rings and Baxter gets up and walks over to it as if hes going to answer it...its alright buddy, you lay back down, I'll get it this time...
-----

I'm really pissed that the only thing I wanted to do all summer, I am now not doing. Ive been looking forward to going Shark Diving for months, well years but than I found out it was possible to do in Montauk. That was in March. So you can understand the build up of excitement for me. I'm angry. I dont ask for much and rarely do I get to go on a spectacular vacation...Ive never once been out of the country except to Canada but for some reason in my own mind, that doesnt count. I am however visiting my soul sister in Florida, that'll be nice. Not the same but nice.

Lost

I have a crazy sick intuition. I often know things before they are truly known, not sure how really, though I do believe it depends on the strength of the bond between me and the person its regarding. Sometimes I know things about other people; sometimes the air surrounding me is different and I know something is going to change Not sure what I mean? For example one I had this dream one night about my BIG (sorority sister) being pregnant. She and I had not spoken for about a year prior to this dream. I called her up, and told her not to drink or do anything stupid; long story short I get a call 2 weeks later, she was pregnant.  My best friend, from the day she told me she was preggers, I told her it was going to be a girl. Badda bing, 6 months later, we find out its a girl. Now some will say that I could tell by looking at how the baby sits on her body, or the puffiness of her cheeks; my girl lives in Florida and I in New York...I just had a hunch.

I have this feeling that things are changing again..like a chapter of life is closing and I feel sad. Not sure what part of my life is changing, nor do I know if its positive or negative but its happening. Its weighing on me like bricks. I have this feeling that door is closing between me and this guy I'm close with. Like its only a matter of time, before he or I just up and leave and never see each other again.

A part of me is afraid is to feel too much, but another part me is afraid of not feeling at all. Afraid of opening too much and getting too close or just making myself so vulnerable. For every time I do, the person I get close with leaves. I'm afraid to miss him, for what does that mean if I do? I've suppressed my feelings for everything, anything for so long out of fear of falling on my face again that I don't know how to feel at all. I can only hope and pray that this is what I need.

Looming Fate

The room is so bright,
I cannot see a thing
Blinded, I slowly walk
fearful of falling unto a hole or
some other unpredictable torture

Seeing and knowing nothing of whats ahead
I keep walking, nervous & scared
Trying to remember the songs of god
that were taught to me so long ago,
I say a prayer but the words are a distant memory
I hear the tune of the bible song,
but the lyrics are forever gone.
I pray he hasnt forgotten me
I want to be something more than this
I want to be free.
To make a difference before my untimely end arrives

The end I fear is near
my end
I can feel it deep within my soul
that death will come sooner than expected.

I am fearful not of dying but of what will be left behind
Will I be forgotten, like so many past relatives
Should I leave behind notes
on how to handle my departure?
The occasions should be truly enjoyable
I just hope that when I go,
I'll able to come back and visit.

Wanting what we cant have

Has there ever been a moment in time, in which there was someone in your life that you wanted to be with but considering the circumstances around them it would never work? I'm in such a situation, and the way he once put it  -  I'm good and he's evil, we can unite occasionally but never for long periods of time.

I always knew that I couldn't date him, he doesn't have a career, smokes and does so many drugs I'm amazed that he stills standing. Yet despite all of that, I've always wondered. Wondered if things could ever exist, the only thing that truly ever held me back from ever having such a relationship was the drugs. I just cant handle that.

Last night, my belief of what our relationship was, became apparent - just two best friends. I'm the relationship type, hes not.  This is just another phase in our relationship that we'll get thru, I'll find someone who wants to coddle me and he'll find another Spanish chick and the two of us will move on - but never the less  always remain best friends.

I made the move last night. Everything I'm feeling is all about me. I just feel so vulnerable and open, and exposed. I feel like everything I had ever felt for this kid is so apparent but yet he doesn't see it.  He doesn't understand that I've always felt something for him. The tension that others saw between us was real and did exist; and while I have no idea really what I felt for him, I knew it were something.  He doesn't understand that the periods of time, where I would cut away, not hang out or call/text was because things would build up and become too much for me to handle and thru all of my insecurities and fears I would walk away and hope that he wouldn't know. Days when I felt so low and depressed and wanted to die, I would go to him. He has this way and making me appreciate what I have and making me feel loved and protected. I trust him more with my life and feel safer with him than I ever did with my ex, whom I lived and dated for 6 years.

Last night I didn't expect anything, I didnt go into thinking or hoping for anything. But knowing that this means nothing hurts, because it meant so much to me. Im so scared to think that maybe I'll lose him. We dont hang in the same social circles, we dont work in the same town, we dont even partake in the same recreational activities.  All we have is the past, and this ...well i guess a love for each other, that I hope and pray doesnt disappear.