say what?

I feel like I am loosing myself and for what? or for whom? I wonder sometimes if im doing all this for me, or to once again prove to him that I am something. Ive spent my whole life trying to prove myself and show him that I am worthy of being recognized as someone. Since high school my goal has simply been to be better than you; and better in anyway possible so that you could see it, and so that I could see it when I looked at you and have you know that I knew I was better . Why am I here? looking back this isn't what I wanted. I have always wanted to work with animals, take photos,do ocean cleanup, just a total environmentalist. I remember wanting to be a park ranger in Costa Rica and then wanting to fight poachers in the Congo. Seriously WTF am I doing here. I've been saying for years that I would be happy, truly happy just owning a smoothie shop somewhere along the beach. Why aren't I doing that?

I really like Johnny Cash.  My family says I'm a modern day hippie, I dunno ..maybe.   Ever have a complete disconnect from everything and everyone around you? Its like you aren't even present, the 70 + people around you aren't even aware that are occupying a space near them.

And you! Constantly bitching at me about how the only way you know how I'm feeling, is when you read it here. Try asking me? If I thought you were actually interested, I would tell you.

I feel like an even bigger failure now..