I've been wondering why cutting you out of my life has been so hard, and it finally occurred to me earlier today when a guest made the comment "she was convenient"...
I think its because all along You were my escape.
The one person/place that I was able to be me, in every way possible; I could be blonde; smart; have my own weird sense of humor; I could be comfortable; have no makeup; I didn't need a mask; but most importantly I was able to relax. I felt free of the burden to be everything I was not. I looked forward to hanging out with you, b/c those few hours I didn't have to be anything and nothing was expected of me.
Top that with you're awesome body pillow and I could sleep and sleep amazingly. I've lived in this house almost my whole life and I have yet been able to sleep, like I had when hanging out with you. You do not understand how well I slept, like it was amazing. I partly think that its because for that amount of time, I felt free.
Plus, I had a lot of fun with you, I was always laughing. I was happy, having someone to do stuff with. I loved the fact that I had you in my life. That you were able to see through my shit, through my walls and when needed call me out on it. You were able to provide a level of comfort that I didn't think was possible
I'm not really sure why things changed or where the subject of us dating came from, other than from you reading private conversations, in which I expressed an interest in possibly dating you, but never was I sure. I feel like that's a part you tend to over look. I also never truly knew how I felt about you, another part you choose to ignore. But despite that I am not the one that ever brought up us dating. That was you. You were the one that wanted me to stay over every Monday night; the one that gave me the key to their apt; the one that suggested I leave stuff in your bathroom and lastly used the word I never said.I never asked you for those things, nor did I say I wanted them. I didn't simply because I wasn't ready for what that could possibly mean. I liked the idea of it, but I wasn't ready. Don't blame this whole thing on me. You had every part in this.
I don't feel like I did. I feel like you judge my every move now. I can't be me anymore when I'm with you; almost as if you've become like the rest, seen through a mask. I don't look forward to hanging out, for I feel like you'll decide to tell me another thing that's "wrong" with me. Trust me I get that from everyone in my life. It was the one thing that I loved most about being with, was that I was able to me be in every messed that is me, and now I can't. I've tried to get things back to being normal and I can't. The fact that you cant figure out what you want is enough to know that this was nothing all along. For had the shoes been reversed, the answer would have been simple. I cherish having you in life so much, that I wouldn't want to lose you. I'm not saying we date, just saying that I wouldn't let you go. But I guess that's just me. So if you want to distance yourself, than go ahead, I'm not going to stop you.
I think its because all along You were my escape.
The one person/place that I was able to be me, in every way possible; I could be blonde; smart; have my own weird sense of humor; I could be comfortable; have no makeup; I didn't need a mask; but most importantly I was able to relax. I felt free of the burden to be everything I was not. I looked forward to hanging out with you, b/c those few hours I didn't have to be anything and nothing was expected of me.
Top that with you're awesome body pillow and I could sleep and sleep amazingly. I've lived in this house almost my whole life and I have yet been able to sleep, like I had when hanging out with you. You do not understand how well I slept, like it was amazing. I partly think that its because for that amount of time, I felt free.
Plus, I had a lot of fun with you, I was always laughing. I was happy, having someone to do stuff with. I loved the fact that I had you in my life. That you were able to see through my shit, through my walls and when needed call me out on it. You were able to provide a level of comfort that I didn't think was possible
I'm not really sure why things changed or where the subject of us dating came from, other than from you reading private conversations, in which I expressed an interest in possibly dating you, but never was I sure. I feel like that's a part you tend to over look. I also never truly knew how I felt about you, another part you choose to ignore. But despite that I am not the one that ever brought up us dating. That was you. You were the one that wanted me to stay over every Monday night; the one that gave me the key to their apt; the one that suggested I leave stuff in your bathroom and lastly used the word I never said.I never asked you for those things, nor did I say I wanted them. I didn't simply because I wasn't ready for what that could possibly mean. I liked the idea of it, but I wasn't ready. Don't blame this whole thing on me. You had every part in this.
I don't feel like I did. I feel like you judge my every move now. I can't be me anymore when I'm with you; almost as if you've become like the rest, seen through a mask. I don't look forward to hanging out, for I feel like you'll decide to tell me another thing that's "wrong" with me. Trust me I get that from everyone in my life. It was the one thing that I loved most about being with, was that I was able to me be in every messed that is me, and now I can't. I've tried to get things back to being normal and I can't. The fact that you cant figure out what you want is enough to know that this was nothing all along. For had the shoes been reversed, the answer would have been simple. I cherish having you in life so much, that I wouldn't want to lose you. I'm not saying we date, just saying that I wouldn't let you go. But I guess that's just me. So if you want to distance yourself, than go ahead, I'm not going to stop you.
Then*
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