broken

I am so scared of what a life without you in it is like. I miss you already so much, but I cant keep standing in the shadows hoping for the spotlight to shine onto me. No matter how much you claim, you dont see me.  It hurts me so much, you have no idea of the pain I'm feeling, I kinda feel lost. where do I go from here?  All along my gut was like this is too good, now I know.

Why do guys continue to lie? seriously we always find out, one way or another.

I have never been so low.  Even when I was living in Westbury, which was a pretty low time for me, I was still in a better place. This month is going to be ridiculously hard.

I emptied my retirement account today, mostly so that I could afford to pay my car insurance. I dont understand how ppl get thru. I dont want to quit but really I dont know how much longer I can keep scrapping the bottom of the barrel.

Its October, so I'm barely sleeping. The dreams have been getting pretty intense.

Sometimes I think I love you, and than I remember everything you've ever said, and remind myself how stupid could I ever be to allow that.

I just want to cuddle and cry, but theres no time for that anymore. I gotta work tomorrow!

I really really miss my apartment

Eyes shut wide

I really am super disappointed about tonight. I was really looking forward to taking Baxter out to his first baseball game....

Is it odd that I some how relate and can understand M.M.'s pain? That feeling of emptiness and being lost, yet knowing exactly where I am but unable to escape.

I wonder where Baxter would go. I surely cannot leave him with someone, whom every other week is throwing me out of their life. He would have to go to someone that could treat and love him in the precise way that I do. Though the financial burden, though totally justifiable, its still a burden. Perhaps thats why I haven't left yet. I haven't found the perfect hands to place my love in. I've most definitely been close. M being the closest.

I know exactly how too, I've actually known for quite some time. It's not time yet.

Ramblings of a long week...

So many things I want to say to you when I see you, so many things that I wanna do to you. I'll pretend everythings ok if you just hold me thru the night. Turn a blind eye and ignore all that occurs in front of me. I just need someone to hold me and assure me its going to be ok.

I fear of getting too close. Of feeling things I shouldnt. Of becoming attached...hell I'm already attached, which is a problem.

Heavy

Its scary how well I relate to this...... Florence and the Machine...

I was a heavy heart to carry
My beloved was weighed down
My arms around his neck
My fingers laced to crown.

I was a heavy heart to carry
My feet dragged across ground
And he took me to the river
Where he slowly let me drown

My love has concrete feet
My love's an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles 
Over the waterfall

I'm so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms
I'm so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms

And is it worth the wait 
All this killing time?
Are you strong enough to stand
Protecting both your heart and mine?

Who is the betrayer?
Who's the killer in the crowd?
The one who creeps in corridors
And doesn't make a sound

My love has concrete feet
My love's an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles 
Over the waterfall

My love has concrete feet
My love's an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles 
Over the waterfall

I'm so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms
I'm so heavy, heavy
So heavy in your arms

This will be my last confession
I love you never felt like any blessing 
(Ohhhh)
Whispering like it's a secret 
Only to condemn the one who hears it
With a heavy heart

Heavy heavy i'm so heavy in your arms
(i'm so) Heavy heavy i'm so heavy in your arms
(i'm so) Heavy heavy i'm so heavy in your arms
(i'm so) Heavy heavy i'm so heavy in your arms

I was a heavy heart to carry
my beloved was weighed down
My arms around his neck
My fingers laced to crown

I was a heavy heart to carry
But he never let me down
When he had me in his arms
My feet never touched the ground

I'm so heavy, heavy in your arms.

Heavy, i'm so heavy in your arms.

Ever have a moment where you see a minor altercation occur, nothing major, just a slight nudge or what not, and play the rest of the scene out in your head? Do normal people play scenes out in their heads?

How do you rid yourself of a behavior that is toxic to your soul, but is so good at the present moment?

I applied for the Manhattan housing, I also received an email saying that I am being considered for a job in Miami and I still haven't heard back about Texas. My luck is Ill get this awesome apt in the meatpacking district and the next day get the job in Miami or Texas and have to move.... oh life..

All I need is something to believe in, the rest will fall into place... I so badly want to believe in you. I cant seem to understand why its so hard to distance myself from you.

I can feel it all slipping and I finally no longer care, you are leaving and I'm just gone.

When I allow my soul to be free, and i just give up on worrying, all great things come to me.

It's always when things start to fall into place that I worry the most.. This time around I'm not worried so much as I am aware of everything I'm losing as we'll as everyone that I thought I'd always be able to count on slowly slipping away

only me

Went canoeing today... Love the nature stuff saw turtles and random giant fish, alligators. Didn't see any manatees but they supposedly hang out in those waters... I love this chick...she is no doubt my soul sister but I just cant understand some of the stuff that goes on here. I mean no disrespect in any way but no fucking way and I'm shocked shes allowed this to take her over. Sometimes I don't believe it. Its like a huge act, a cover up for who knows what. Something she felt she must do, not something she believes in.
Whatever her reasons may be, I will always stand besides her. However it pisses me off that her husband wont allow her to come to New York to come visit. Ya know I was her second maid of honor and she will be my second matron of honor but I will be sooo hurt and whatever else if she doesn't come to my wedding when its time. For someone who knows nothing about me, there are some "jokes" that you just don't chime in on.

Well last night I met up with her sister and brother in law. They too are great people and are on the normal side. Having a drink last night felt awesome!

Today it poured. Thundering and lightning. it was crazy. I decided to drive out to coco beach than back. Visited the Turtle rescue place and was seriously disappointed by the information I received. The guy in there, just had no time to talk with me and hated the fact that I was asking him questions. Seriously if someone is interested in your organization, pay them some attention. From there went to CVS and walked around when I reached the family planning aisle and well decided to get me a toy. Yup that's right, from CVS. There aren't any adult shops in the vicinity and well to be honest they had quite a selection! I was tempted to buy some wine and make it a good time. Especially since the  CVS stores down here also have a full liquor store within it.  So I picked up some batteries and in an effort to try and disguise what I was about to buy, picked up some other items. I get to the counter and I'm just watching the girl slightly mortified that she may realize what she just rang up, but all was well. Until I walked out the door of course. The alarm goes off and a security guard calls me back in and asks to see my receipt and bag. He then proceeds to empty the contents of my bag onto a table that is right next to the entrance, where anyone can see whats going on. Picking up each item and looking at the receipt to see if it were on there, he gets to the toy. Looks at me, looks at it, and back at me again. Looks at the receipt. At this time, a manager has made his way to the table to get an idea of whats going on, and views the item in the security guards hand and ask me if the counter girl scanned it. I said yes its on the receipt. He calls her over. So now its the store manager, the counter girl, the security guard who is still holding my new toy and myself, at a table next to the entrance. The manager begins to ask her if she took the sensor off. She proceeds to say she didnt know what it was when she scanned it and didnt realize there was a sensor. The manager then proceeds to yell at her saying that hes gone over this many times with her, whenever someone purchases a sex toy there is always a sensor in the box. Her response was sir, I didnt know it was a sex toy. and My response: ya know what I dont even really want it anymore. The manager ignores me, takes the box from the security guard , opens it and is now explaining to the girl how its a vibrator and how to take the sensor off. After man handling it, looks at me and apologizes, put its all back in and walks away.  I grabbed my toy and my batteries and did a fast walk to my car. LOL

Well thank you Florida CVS for giving me ...something to write about.

Its documentaries like this one that I want to do...

http://www.upworthy.com/this-kid-just-died-what-he-left-behind-is-wondtacular-rip?g=2

Just a reminder

Dont you hate it when your hairs great but you have no where to go...

OI have really great hair today... My hair does well in the rain.  I think its funny how I lightened my hair (not a lot, just a lil bit) with a box bleacher and everyone thinks its the salons color just fading. No no I'm done with that shit. The simple fact that I was able to lighten my hair and the fact that I could go Marilyn style if I wanted and the "professional" couldn't, just proves that he is a waste of money! Never again will I go to a professional.

I want a reason to dress up, a reason to feel pretty on the inside and out. I want to feel you wrap your arm around me....

My runes recently told me that its time to open my heart to the light and to allow it to shine in, so that's my mission. Part of that darkness was my job. I know most people don't understand, but I cant go back there..I wont go back there...time to break the chains and find out what makes me happy...

Never did I want things to be like this. Part of the reason why I always said no, cuz I never wanted us to end up the same way it did with everyone else. I cant even call you a friend.

I pray for a fat check to come in the mail...please money gods...please!

Ever want to read a book, and realize that it was stuck somewhere in storage in a sea of boxes labeled books.... UGH on a mission tomorrow.

And seriously wtf was with the tree with the face on it!?! As soon as I saw it, it reminded me of Disney's Pocahontas!

https://jaecee.see.me/

You don't know how to love me, nor do you understand the capacity of my love, should I choose to give it.

My grandmother didn't put me down today. Which is very surprising since she likes to go around telling the world that I'm "Chunky". However today was the opposite. She actually told me I was beautiful.

If someone asks me about my job, I'm going to tell them. There is no way of sugar coating what I do, therefore if you are embarrassed by what I do, than leave the f-ing room while I'm talking with that person. Do not Shush me or shout out my name or repeatedly say god the language. My job revolves around midget strippers, trannies, white trash and so on, IF you cant fucking handle it than go away.

My mom and sister had this whole convo about weed and how ppl in Connecticut can now get a medical marijuana card. They bitched for 20 minutes about how this is the reason this country is going to hell and how its absolutely ridiculous...I really wanted to say after spending a full weekend, all I want to do is smoke! and thank you god for the mimosas this morning...I would not have been able to get thru it without them! In all serious there were definitely moments this weekend where I wished I were drunk or high just so it wouldnt offend/bother me as much.

So I'm watching girls and it's like WTF .. I have such a love hate relationship with this show... Like I hate her but yet I kinda wanna be her and I totally get her but god I hate her. So if I can relate to her in someway but yet I hate her, do I hate myself? NO I simply hate her, like these things don't just happen.

In a peaceful mood...Baxter is curled up next to me me sleeping. He too is happy...had a full meal, and two bones and all he wants to do now is cuddle...

The only thing that could make this better is possibly a back rub.... mhmm yea a full back massage.. with your strong hands on my body getting all the knots out and forcing me to relax... I miss feeling the pressure of your body on mine.

I miss being able to sleep...but I like to watch baxter sleep...I know I'm biased but he truly is the most adorable dog.

It's amazing how things can change in a year. 

And I'm stupid cuz I loved you, not in love, but definitely infatuated. And I toyed with the idea for so long till I realized that I didn't know what that was or how it felt to love or be loved. Maybe I just like the idea that you could possibly. All I knew was that I felt completely at ease when I was in your arms, and that's really all I ever wanted to be.

one week left...

One more week till Boogie and I hit the road. Wont be able to make as many as stops as I had wanted, money is a lil tight and the government is being as helpful as he was in the past. I'm hoping to get a check for the movie I just worked on soon, which will be a nice lil bump for the trip but if not, we will make due. Maybe if I'm lucky I wont have to come back...in many ways, that would be fantastic.

Random thoughts while being an extra

This guy is wearing a NY Film Academy bag...he totally thinks he's the shit. That bag makes him whole.

He's waiting for anyone to glance his way, so he can have someone to talk too.

I forgot how snobbish these ppl really are.

My hip bone just cracked... I feel like eighty..

I need to sign up to do this all the time seriously why am I working so hard, I could be a professional extra!


Free spell casting

Peace

At the end of the day, you know only what you think you know. You don't know a thing about me, what makes me whole, or what pushes me to keep going. I've allowed you to only get so close. In a conversation, you only hear your opinion and rarely notice if anyone is talking. You couldn't be more disinterested in my life and you proved that all so effectively at our last outing. don't bother coming if you arent going to partake in whats happening around you. I dont need you to be there. 

3 days left and I just want to run away...

I'm your first option, or no option. Get use to it.

Stop being so vain, not everything is about you.


"So tell me now
If this ain't love then how do we get out?
Because I don't know
That's when she said I don't hate you boy
I just want to save you while there's still something left to save
That's when I told her I love you girl
But I'm not the answer for the questions that you still have"



"You think you're having a bad day or have a terrible job? Well you dont! You could be a soul-less prostitute from Taiwan who has to perform whats called a pussy show. Yes, a pussy show. Try making smoke come out of your pussy or toot a horn from your pussy." - My Producer.


I cannot come back here in July...I need to be free of this place.


I often sing to my guests to make them comfortable....I was told that was weird

My Body kills...I use to be able to fall down the stairs and have no problems...now 2 days later and I feel like I have whip lash...

I think all along I wanted to believe I was something more than just a body, that I meant something. I think I actually started too, at one point, but stupid me...just a another number...another notch on the belt.

Lemonade diet

Thinking of doing this diet...This guy at work lost over 30 pounds! I'll start Monday since I already wont be eating...Thoughts?

Lemonade Diet: What You Can Eat


No solid foods are allowed, nor are any supplements. You consume only the Master Cleanse elixir to keep you hydrated.
The plan calls for you to drink 6 or more servings daily of the lemonade drink. The only other options are a "salt water flush" of 2 teaspoons salt mixed in a quart of water in the morning, and an herbal laxative tea at night, if needed.
A single serving of the Master Cleanse drink consists of:

2 tablespoons fresh-squeezed lemon juice

2 tablespoons grade-B organic maple syrup

1/10 teaspoon cayenne pepper

10 ounces filtered water

After following this fast for 4-14 days, dieters are urged to slowly ease back into eating solid food, starting with items such as vegetable soup, followed by fruits and vegetables.

I bid adieu

I've been wondering why cutting you out of my life has been so hard, and it finally occurred to me earlier today when a guest made the comment "she was convenient"...

 I think its because all along You were my escape.
The one person/place that I was able to be me, in every way possible; I could be blonde; smart; have my own weird sense of humor; I could be comfortable; have no makeup; I didn't need a mask; but most importantly I was able to relax. I felt free of the burden to be everything I was not. I looked forward to hanging out with you, b/c those few hours I didn't have to be anything and nothing was expected of me.

Top that with you're awesome body pillow and I could sleep and sleep amazingly. I've lived in this house almost my whole life and I have yet been able to sleep, like I had when hanging out with you. You do not understand how well I slept, like it was amazing. I partly think that its because for that amount of time, I felt free.

Plus, I had a lot of fun with you, I was always laughing. I was happy, having someone to do stuff with. I loved the fact that I had you in my life. That you were able to see through my shit, through my walls and when needed call me out on it. You were able to provide a level of comfort that I didn't think was possible

I'm not really sure why things changed or where the subject of us dating came from, other than from you reading private conversations, in which I expressed an interest in possibly dating you, but never was I sure. I feel like that's a part you tend to over look. I also never truly knew how I felt about you, another part you choose to ignore. But despite that I am not the one that ever brought up us dating. That was you. You were the one that wanted me to stay over every Monday night; the one that gave me the key to their apt; the one that suggested I leave stuff in your bathroom and lastly used the word I never said.I never asked you for those things, nor did I say I wanted them. I didn't simply because I wasn't ready for what that could possibly mean. I liked the idea of it, but I wasn't ready. Don't blame this whole thing on me. You had every part in this.

I don't feel like I did. I feel like you judge my every move now. I can't be me anymore when I'm with you; almost as if you've become like the rest, seen through a mask. I don't look forward to hanging out, for I feel like you'll decide to tell me another thing that's "wrong" with me. Trust me I get that from everyone in my life. It was the one thing that I loved most about being with, was that I was able to me be in every messed that is me, and now I can't. I've tried to get things back to being normal and I can't. The fact that you cant figure out what you want is enough to know that this was nothing all along. For had the shoes been reversed, the answer would have been simple. I cherish having you in life so much, that I wouldn't want to lose you. I'm not saying we date, just saying that I wouldn't let you go. But I guess that's just me. So if you want to distance yourself, than go ahead, I'm not going to stop you.

My heads foggy...

"I don't know what Ive done or if I like what Ive begun, but something told me to run. And honey, you know me, its all or none...."

This job is making me soft.

"Heeyyy!...Don't touch my white chocolate..."

Why are people allowing 7 year old children to watch this show? Why are they even watching tv? they should be outside playing...My kids will never be allowed to watch tv.

You're a stupid fuck, you see them woman with a double stroller having difficulty holding the doors open and push the stroller and instead of helping you slide past her and step over the wheel of the stroller...I hope your dick rots off.

This is what I want to do....

https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10151578713720909.1073741840.11071120908&type=1

Photograph/videotape these amazing creatures

say what?

I feel like I am loosing myself and for what? or for whom? I wonder sometimes if im doing all this for me, or to once again prove to him that I am something. Ive spent my whole life trying to prove myself and show him that I am worthy of being recognized as someone. Since high school my goal has simply been to be better than you; and better in anyway possible so that you could see it, and so that I could see it when I looked at you and have you know that I knew I was better . Why am I here? looking back this isn't what I wanted. I have always wanted to work with animals, take photos,do ocean cleanup, just a total environmentalist. I remember wanting to be a park ranger in Costa Rica and then wanting to fight poachers in the Congo. Seriously WTF am I doing here. I've been saying for years that I would be happy, truly happy just owning a smoothie shop somewhere along the beach. Why aren't I doing that?

I really like Johnny Cash.  My family says I'm a modern day hippie, I dunno ..maybe.   Ever have a complete disconnect from everything and everyone around you? Its like you aren't even present, the 70 + people around you aren't even aware that are occupying a space near them.

And you! Constantly bitching at me about how the only way you know how I'm feeling, is when you read it here. Try asking me? If I thought you were actually interested, I would tell you.

I feel like an even bigger failure now..

Blahness

When your employees start to take on the look of the zombies in the zombie apacolypse than its time to Lay off and give them a break.

I worry about myself when it's dexter that calms me into sleep.

I shop to fill the hole that you use to fill.

I miss being blonde.

The guy at Sabon practically knew my life, the way he was talking he could have sold me anything.

Baxter Trip

In a few weeks I'll be hitting the road with Baxter down to Florida. It's my first major road trip with him and I'm not gonna lie, I'm scared. Im thinking of everything Ill have to bring just for him, like his cage - which I have no idea where that is, Food, blankets, bowls, wipes, etc. I may even have to get some kind of medication to keep him calm while I'm driving and to prevent him from getting car sick. Yes, Baxter gets car sick unfortunately.  It's going to be rough considering I'm going alone, but with a ton of music and a Starbucks app, I can't go wrong.

Considering I'll have to stop often to let him out and allow him to walk, I'm thinking of stopping at every state and taking a selfie next to the state sign with him. I'd also like to visit with some people on the way down. I have some friends in Virgina that I would like to see. I would also like to check out a few places on the way, however I'm limited to what I can do with Baxter. Maybe, I'll visit with family in Alabama. Maybe, I'll find a place in Florida and not have to come back, or I'll get lost on a ride to Hawaii...

I think I got all the red ones...which flavor is your favorite?

Thoughts on a day off

I wish I could see me through your eyes, see what you see, feel what you feel and hear what you think, when you look at me.

Just stepped out of the tanning booth ... Why do I smell like stuffing?

I already have a mosquito bite... Fuck you!

I'm the kind of friend that will spend hours driving to spend 15 min with you to turn around and drive home. Maybe my expectations are too high but I only expect the best from the ppl of my life.

If your man is hungry, he'll either force you to cook, or find a woman that will cook for him...

What is yours will always come to you.

It's unfair ... Your ways of manipulating me...

I want someone that'll take me out to fancy restaurants and give me flowers. Not because he feels he has too, but bc he wants too.

Random Day 3 (to be continued)

Why does Captain Crunch rip up the top of your mouth? Everytime! Its completely raw!

Make you a priority? Why? You keep me around as an option

I miss my old life...leaving work when the suns still out, being home at 6p, having my apt, decorating and not having my life in storage...I miss my apartment a lot.

I hate the sound that good byes make, why say a word, I know you're going down a different road, but Im going to keep looking. Watching helps me avoid the pain of knowing you're no longer there.

When I make my "Sexy" voice, I get more calls back than If I talk normal...I wonder if there is a way to permanently have a phlegm voice..


Who the hell lets a 7year old watch this show?? And why the fuck are you allowing her to call in?? you stupid piece of shit, dont bitch me out b/c I got a call saying they want to be on the show! AND you should have your kid checked out, cuz She sounds like a 24 year old woman.

The kernal shell of the popcorn makes popcorn suck..there should be a way to remove them before packaging ...

I miss being able to do cartwheels. This walk way would be great for a cart wheels.

I am very pale..like its kinda gross how pale I actually am...

I miss acting and taking acting classes....I really need to get back into it.

You'll figure it out eventually, sadly it may be too late.

Random thoughts part 2

I feel like a piece of meat surrounded by vultures...

I am beautiful bitch, dont mock me

explain to me..if your man is in jail, how the fuck do you expect me to get him onto the show?

I seriously have the most amazing friends...its like they have some strange telepathy, they all just call/text/fb me when I need them the most.

I will be positive, I will be strong and I am confident...unless its baxter ..than I'm a mush

Holy shit dude, you are not coming on this show and if you dont stop fucking blowing up the phone I will have to punch you...thats right thru the phone no lie, I will find a way

..I'm jealous of your abs.. like wow..i kinda want to rub my face on them so I know they are real..why am i sweating...

SHIT i never did my taxes

Shine bright like a diamond, your beautiful like diamonds in the sky..

I really want to smoke right now....yea ...hmm.. I have no idea how I could go about getting anything but as long as I get mellow and not angry...is there a way to order shit like on a take out menu and just charge my card?...

I never put my yogurt in the fridge...can i still eat it?

Thank freaking god I didnt put product in my hair this morning...woo hoo for running late! Otherwise I really wouldnt have any hair left!

Random thoughts of the day

I really need to stop leaning on people for support... When they leave its like a big hole is there...

I break my neck trying to get ppl onto this show, and wtf for? to be bitched at and put down?

I know I'm blonde but wtf?? I don't understand you or what you're thinking..How am I suppose to know how to be if you don't know what you want?

I wouldn't bring you onto the show simply by the way you are blowing up my phone! Like WTF 17 calls in less than 20 min...I dont know you well enough for you to be blowing me up like that!

Its a joke to think that you appreciate me, you don't, you don't appreciate anything...and it's never gonna change

I love when you touch me baby all over my body baby, I love it when you kiss me baby, You gotta girl that'll ride, so are you willing to sit by my side?

And just like that .. It's over. No doubts if its the right decision. A simple walk away like nothing mattered.

Happy Easter

No need for excuses..

If you're coming up with reasons why we shouldn't be together, than you are obviously not interested in staying. So go ..Find your cake else where, no hard feelings. At the end of the day I wanna be messing with someone that wants to be messing with me and isn't simply doing so out of convenience.

So we'll rewind this relationship to what it was, nothing, just an occasional hang out at the Frog. But don't dare come up with a list of reasons as to why we should not be together, with a few of those reasons being for things I have no control over and tell me that we can still hook up, b/c you have nothing else.  I will not be a filler for you. I will not stand in a spot next to you until you find the One person you think you are more compatible with. Fucking say it straight out that you aren't interested, not ramble on....

Stupid ass..

You are all the same. Right when you lose interest,  you get distant and say shit like I need to focus on me and my personal business. Seriously if you're not fucking interested say you're not interested. Spare me the bullshit!

I need someone to hold me; to text me and wish me a good day; to want to take me out and spend time with me; to tell me when I'm at my lowest that I'm beautiful...I just want someone to take an interest in me and what I bring to the table...

Exs

I looked back today, seeing who had moved on. All along I had wondered what was wrong with me that I haven't found someone... Was it me?; was it my job?

That's when I came across a photo. Wow it's my major, my passions and hobby and yet a simple photograph amazes me every time. This photo told me soo much. To anyone else it would look generic. To me it gave me relief, a sense of pride and better yet made me realize how much I had moved on, grown and bettered my life.

It's amazing to see how with someone new you've recreated our old life. I often look back and think about how happy I thought I was then. Glad to see you actually were.

Friends

I've been told lately that I'm a "hidden" person. In that I don't announce or come completely out with all that I'm capable of doing, I hold back and allow others to figure out how capable I am of doing a task. That I appear to be a complicated person..
Overall I think I'm an easy person to figure out and understand. I'm not going to just come out and tell you what makes me tick, that's the beauty of getting to know me. Especially in a relationship. I gauge the depth of our relationship depending on how well you are willing to know me and what lengths you are willing to take to get to know me. I'm not saying I make people jump through hoops, for if you pay attention, its all right in front of you, but I guess to a certain degree yes; I make you work for my undivided love & devotion. However there are definitely some key components and people that you need to learn or get to know to truly understand and know the real me. That is of course if you want to know who the inside me is, not the one everyone knows, but the real me than you ought to learn about my relationships with the following ...

• First is my dog
• my sister
• Rocco 
• my love for Florida 
• the ocean
• nature 
• photography
• Being in the studio
• any aquatic activities; 

Its amazing how many people you can meet in a lifetime, and how none of them may ever know what makes your world go round, and yet they claim to know you and be your best in life. I find it hard to relate to these people. I am able to achieve the social nice-ities of calling people a friend. But think about it. How many of the people you call friends can you actually say is a friend? How many of those people know what your scared of? what you long for? I'm guilty of it too. I have a ton of "Friends" that at the end of the day if I were to be asked basic questions about them, I wouldn't have a clue as to what the answer would be. And yet there are people who I would never have thought would pay such close attention to my life and they do. Makes you wonder sometimes....

Special...

Young Love

Even though its 3 am and I need to be up in a couple of hours, I have an overall sense of euphoria.

For some reason it reminds of the first time I was french kissed and liked it. Lets not mistake this for my first kiss, it was not my first french kiss, but it was most definitely the first time I french kissed and enjoyed it.
 It was late summer before the ninth grade, at the fair across the street from New Hyde Park Memorial High School. It was one of those days I'll never forget. Everyone from school was going so I had to look good. Wearing my skort (yes people a skort! it was the 90's don't forget), these bohemian like sandals and a tank top, hair in a ponytail (of course) and Jen D's mom had given us a little lipstick to put on.

My friend Jen and I had a blast, when there he appeared. Chris. Oh how I was in love with him. From the tan skin, his tight body to the cologne he wore. Simply heaven.  He spotted me from across the ticket booth and started to walk over.  I played it cool, but with each step he took closer, my heart pounded faster and faster, to the point that when he actually stopped in front of me I had to remind myself to breathe.

Giving me a hug, I was absolutely hypnotized by his scent. Dazed, he asked me a question and without even knowing what he had asked me I said yes. He smiled, grabbed my hand and led me over to a ride.  I knew I had to have lost consciousness during that hug, for the ride he led me too - I never would have went on. It was the Zipper! If there's anything about a ride I don't like, is a ride that spins and flips. It was too late to back out now, plus Chris was holding my hand..MY hand!

It was our turn to board. I stepped in and slid over and he slid in next to me. Nervously, I glanced over at him and smiled. He smiled that beautiful smile that gave me butterflies. The Carny shut and locked the gate and up we went. However, there was no spinning. He started telling jokes and whether they were funny or not  I laughed. The car finally slowed to a stop and he and I were at the very top of the zipper. We could see the whole town; it was beautiful. The sun had almost completely set behind the water tower and you could see the stars starting to appear.  He placed his hand on mine, and asked "may I kiss you?" Without hesitation, I nodded yes. There at the very top of the zipper, watching the sun set over the town, was my first really good kiss.

From the moment our lips touched, electric just pulsed through my body. The ride started up again, leading us back to the ground, where we said our goodbyes for the night and went separate ways. I'll never forget, I didn't walk back to my moms car that night, I floated.

Self titled

Ever have one of those days at work, where all you want to do is go home and cuddle in bed and have someone just hold you... yea guess Im not totally against being in a relationship after all...ugh